They Taught me to survive, Still!

They Taught Me to Survive

The journey to find the inspiration for this article has been a deep one.

Looking in to my past I’ve dug deep into my archives and came across an article I wrote discussing how much my family meant to me.

The story behind this piece was an interesting one, I was asked to write a piece about ‘Heroes’, basically to tie-in with the commemoration of a group of people that did something wonderful over in the UK. But being the rude bitch that I am I responded that these people did nothing for me, and I cannot write about people that I don’t know about and couldn’t care less about and anyway did nothing to change my life back home in Barbados.

‘

On that note I did say give me about 10 minutes and I’ll think of something else!

So I went into a corner and thought; who are my heroes?  Who do I look up to? And then it hit me, my mom and dad.

Now it’s a while since I wrote the article so I’m adding to my original thoughts, so make yourself comfortable while I start to dig into the farthest reaches of my memory bank.

I recently told you all that I’ve been recovering from just over a year of really bad events. However I’ve just received my own flat and my life looks like it’s on the up. I’ve started dating someone who is a good influence on me and all in all people would look and think fantastic, perfect! What more do you want?

Well, even I thought the same. But then why has it taken me two days to get out of bed, why was I showing signs of having another break down? Around this time last year I was recovering from a full physical breakdown, went to bed and woke up a different person. I couldn’t, talk, walk, or do anything. I was hunched up in a corner dribbling. To be honest, that’s when I needed round-the-clock care because to be honest with you I would have ended it allthen and there if I didn’t think I would get better. I was absolutely contorted. Everything felt like it was being ripped from me. I had zero confidence, it was horrible and I don’t want to revisit those feelings or that time but I was recently worried that I might be going back there again. But why? Why with all these good thingsgoing on in my life, why was I showing massive cracks?

And this is why this article is so hard to write. Because if I go over it again I will start to breakdown. When I look out of the window of my apartment and see the world where I live, I see peopledriving by or walking with their families, planes in the sky, the train that passes on that beautiful bridge not too far from my apartment, I’m constantly reminded that everyone here has family, and I don’t.

I went home last year, after my break down, the last time Iactually hugged my mom and dad, the last time they saw their son,and well it was actually a shell of their baby boy broken, bruised and battered. Times have moved on and yes I’m nearly back to being my former but better self. But that’s only through contact with my folks via Face time and Facebook.

I’ve had to hug myself and repair myself, without their company, their support or their comfort. When you come from such a close loving family like mine, all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and you have been fighting to survive on your own in a different country, you will understand how important it is that you don’t fall into the trap that I have. These are my top two tips:

1)

Don’t Forget Who You Are

Or forget where you have come from. Events in your life can change you for the worst, but you try to hang on to the good memories of the past so tightly, that you scrape at the foot of the grave fighting to come out happy and positive in the end. The deep truth is, you will never be the same person again, and it’s just trying to find how the events that are happening to you now, nomatter how bad, can be used to help you in a good way, sometime in some way.

2)

Don’t Go Without A Hug

To go so long without a hug from those who really understand you and love you is just awful. So let yourself be held but by someone close, your mom, dad, aunt or uncle, cousin or brother, niece of nephew. Or by anyone who has ever cared for you whatever family you have biological or otherwise. When you get that hug for that brief moment it reminds you that everything can be ok. You will be safe and brought back to that place where you were cared for. And you don’t just have to look at a picture of them on the wall constantly to remind yourself that you aren’t alone, you are by yourself, they are just an email or phone call away. But that lack of physical contact doesn’t let you get off so easily. It’s justnot the same.

Back In the Room

So, that’s when I realised right now in this moment reading that article from the past about my family being my heroes and having to write about it that is what is affecting me and hard. Now yes this forum is about HIV and how all this ties into it instead of a really deep look into my own emotional state. But it all boils down to my family for me. My family where there for me when I became positive, the words from my parents echo through my head whenever someone tells me they aren’t going to tell their mom and dad : “ If you never told me you were positive Italo ( my other name which I’m actually called by ) I would have been very upset, because no matter what happens in your life, we are your parents and we love you, you not telling us this would feel like you didn’t love us or thought that we didn’t love you “

.

This is why family is such an important part of all this. Whoever you consider to be your family. If my HIV is detectable at the moment, it’s because I stopped taking my medication. One of the side effects of my meds was being depressed; I cannot even be bothered to pop a pill that keeps me alive sometimes. In my head so much is going on that I have to control it all as it becomes overwhelming at times.

So sharing my thoughts with you now is very personal to me.Whoever reads this please.  try to understand your own situation.Look around you and find the person that means the most to you, who is closest to you, and hug them. Do it as soon as you can because one day, when the shit hits the fan and they aren’t around, you’ll realise how important they are. My mom is the one that taught me what HIV was, as I had no idea what I had contracted, and she told me about my medication, she educated her son about a disease that has killed so many. She knew her baby boy will have a hard life and made sure I took my meds each day. When I was ill, they held me.

Now if I feel that I cannot be bothered to take my own meds, I have to look at their picture to get the strength. And yes I still Iwonder what my life would be like right now if  I didn’t have HIV but I cannot ponder too long on that one, as I just have to deal with the way it is played out right now. So what you are waiting for…go and hug your Hero today.

Manchester cathedral Church Speech

Patrick Ettenes

When I was a child I had a good upbringing, needless to say. I came from a good family, whom still to this day are all I have.

But living on an island like Barbados that is very religious but feltvery homophobic to me and being a child that couldn't accept the fact I was a boy until about 5 or 6 years old you could only imagine the ridicule that my family had to go through.

Not being one to boast but my family were the first people to own a security company on the island at the time which was run by the butchest man that I know, my dear and loving father.

So you could only imagine having a gay child was difficult, myparents were told that I was gay before, I could even spell it.

As time went on, the trauma of living on that island and what took place, made me not believe in God. I didn't understand how a happy kid could be tortured so much by people who prayed.

I do remember the first time I prayed, it was the day I was diagnosed with HIV, I sat in the waiting room before the results came, and I asked The Lord not to take away the virus but to give me strength. My mother always said to me, to give thanks before you go to bed, because there is more to life than just you.

I have seen my fair share of anomalies and a few things that I cannot explain, and for those that say prayer doesn't work, let me explain this.

I'm still here standing in front of you today, because I pray.

I prayed to God that day for the strength. He gave me heart, and he gave me talent, that my pain and suffering would not go unheard and that my experiences would be heard by others. God made me realise that everything I pray for does come true but perhaps not in the way I could imagine.

I asked recently to survive. I've been through a lot last year, and a lot of people didn't think I would have made it. One day while trying to convince someone else that it was worth their while staying alive, I walked back to the hostel where I was staying, and cheekily asked The Lord, what he would do to thank me for helping this kid who I had just talked out of committing suicide and I as I walked into the premises I was told on arrival that I had been given a flat of my own.

So you see, no matter what back ground you are from, or what faith you follow, if any, he or she or the universe has the answers to it all!

If you believe there's something there, you will survive whatever life throws at you.

Now I’m going to say a prayer to get a job so we’ll see what happens and then I hope I can really make a difference.

Still dealing with it!

Still ‘Dealing with It!’

Well ladies and gentleman, after a long anticipated wait I am back!

Let me first say, when your mom or dad says a lot can happen to you in a month, trust those very words, because a month can go by so fast or it can be the longest and most interesting time of your life. Who for 1000 points would like to guess which direction mine went?

Yes to the gentleman in the corner, you are right it was! It was thelongest and most exciting month of my life, But! Not without some issues. So let’s elaborate!

I’m re-publishing one of my earlier articles ‘Deal with it!’ The reason being that this article actually saved someone’s life while they were in the waiting room of a sexual health clinic after beingtold they were HIV positive. The guy was planning on killing himself when he looked down at a magazine on a coffee table and saw my page, apparently my words deterred his plot and he went out of his way to thank me.  So why is this article important to me? Well this last month it was the 10 year anniversary of mefinding out I was HIV+ve on August 17th 2004.

No, I didn’t have a good time with it, because it’s still sentimentally a hard time for me. When your boyfriend isn’t there in the morning next to you after telling you the previous day  that he is HIV+ve and from that day on not one partner or boyfriend was there to support you things get hard (and not in a sexy way).  

The human brain remembers significant events which are triggered by numerous things,

smell, sight, touch, hearing, and even dates.  Believe it or not since I wrote that article every year I realise this and I tend to fall apart around this time.  I get depressed, If I’m not working I amself-destructive, I miss my family I cannot explain it, it’s just there. A reminder that my life although it’s not that bad it still is a struggle. I don’t have that guy to cuddle, to wake up to and say“hey babes, I’m here for you”  and to be honest, sometimes there is a good reason he hasn’t been. So for those of you that do have someone special don’t take him or her for granted! You are muchenvied and you have a luxury that many of us don’t have!

So with my slow self -destruction on its way I braced myself, andsaid to myself like I always do, “ The universe will give me a reason to write soon enough. “ You know what? He, she, it, them, the powers that be or just by mere coincidence it all fell into my lap!

I have lived with this virus for 10 years, and when I read back my own words it brings comfort to me now. I wrote “you will never be the same person, and you will find the reason to go on, and if you ACCEPT that, you have changed “and the part where I mention you will never be the same person again, is true.

I still wish my boyfriend was here next to me in the morning, I wish he was still alive today. I wonder how my life would have been if I did have support and a cuddle from whom ever around my anniversary day. I know I’m sentimental but as I had my break down I took control but not in a good way started spiralling down and down, drugs awoke the infatuation for the ever so endless desire for sex. Self- harm was on my mind and all I wanted was a purpose, why am I still here? Why do I write all this in the hope that it will help others when I don’t have someone there for me?

And then it hit me. One morning when I was recovering I receiveda text from a young guy who I had previously I met and spent time with for his birthday, he was alone, so it was the nice thing to do.We never met again. He messaged me asking for narcotics, not the delightful party ones, and coming from an individual like him itwas quite shocking. To cut a long story short, this young guy hadcontracted HIV, was crying out for help in a new town, he felt lonely, why had this happened to him? So he turned to drugs, and was on a suicidal path. You see he was very similar to me, he hadmanaged to get the stuff he needed to overdose and I had to spend six hours with the police mental health team. I managed to see him and get information from him to help him out (behind his back). The words “would you mind knocking on my flat mate’sdoor and making him aware that I’m dead please after today,thank you”

I couldn’t stop crying, that same weekend I found out that my friend took his own life due to being lonely and also HIV+ve and another guy I met for random fun spent the weekend with me andwe just cuddled and he said he was also on a mission to end hislife.

The epiphany came that day, if I did take my own life I wouldn’t have been around the next weekend to help him out, to help the other guy out would I? Yes I would still fall apart but the amazing thing is... and why it would take me another month to remember, I came home and found out that I had been offered my own apartment. After a year of being literally homeless and destitute, I finally have a beautiful flat in the most prime location in the city! All this happened after I came home from a long day of trying to convince someone that someone cares about them!

What the hell does this have to do with my article? Just remember that people do care, even if you are convinced that they don’t. We all watch TV and see romantic film fantasies about amazing acts of kindness and wonder when it will happen to us but open your eyes, and see that it’s right there in front of you! My older self hasreminded me that no matter how old I get, I have my own purpose. To help, to be there to offer a little bit more of myself if it means someone else gets the message and understands that life is worth living . Because when you are this amazing you will survive, but how you cover up those scars and wear them is going to be the most amazing, fabulous trend setting thing you ever do in your life!

Your scars are what are going to help shape your life and helpchange other people’s lives for the better. In short you don’t know you have anything to offer anyone until you realise you have your own life experience and that is a gift if you use it well. Believe me when I say that if I can get that message through my head after all this time, even despite my best efforts to destroy everything I have going for me, than so can you.

Moments

Let just say that I wrote out this and lost it all, one hour of perfection lost, and I'm sitting in a cafe crying about it! 

 

 The irony is, I was writing about making memories, and it was all a memory what I just wrote out! You have to laugh at these things don't you. So, how do I restart what I was saying? Well I guess you restart by saying this. It's my birthday week, and I don't think I've ever appreciated my life as much as I do now, or ever almost didn't make it to write this. I remembered this weekend, my purpose, and element about my personal personality that makes me, me. Something I lost along the way last year and so glad I found it again.

 

 Everyone has their own little thing, that they do throughout his or her own life that makes them happy. It could be going to the pub with friends, star gazing, walking along the beach, window shopping, setting ants on fire with a microfine glass, so cool but yet so crewl. Hey I was eight, don't judge! Mine is making moments so I can remember them, it's not as easy as you think, well maybe it is, as I can use what happened as an example! Sitting in a cafe slowly piecing together my thoughts, writing it out and only to delete it  after an hour of work! And laughing about it to a stranger next to me, it's the irony of it, that's what makes memories! That is what I forgot that I like to do, and that brings me back to why I feel so connected to my past right now, my mother says history repeats itself. 

 

 Right now it is for me, I've not been or felt like this since I was 20 years old. I lived on my own in shepherds bush, worked for bidup tv and for one year, I didn't have friends, I knew people but I lost all my connection with everyone. I felt lonely but I felt, or should have felt powerful! 

   I was working hard, exercised more, did my own thing, came home at what ever hour, never late for work, worked hard also, and should have appreciated the time of my life! I was single, as I am now, and in a similar situation. While sitting out in a canal street in Manchester, my day unfolded unexpectately, an old friend from London I was with, and strangers brought together in the sun, moving around the city with delight, laughing all the way through, and I realised that I made a moment, a memory that was like a past feeling, something that I've always said which was " When I die and close my eyes, I think back to all these memories I made and smile " it's why don't look at scary looking people, I don't want my brain to show me that thing in my last seconds of my life. 

  So, I'm single, struggling still, but I adore it, because this time 14 years ago, I thought it was bad and I was depressed, when I should be right now, and I could just say to my younger self, " snap out of it you fucking bitch! You don't know what depressed is, so appreciate what you have right now! " 

 Life's a beautiful struggle, and we have to smile! We have to remember what our past was, cos if your reading this right now, find the hope inside of you and say it's better now than it was. Cos if I don't, then if fear my last moments on this earth will be of regret, and yes I've not done all I wanted to do. But it's what I've done right now that matters, even if it's sitting here writing this to you! It's a moment I did something for myself, and I'm smiling. So shut the fuck up, look up and see what's around you, and appreciate. 

 Now I'm listening to " Shake It Out " by Florence + The Machine really suits writing all this.

The End.

20th April 2005 The Vampiric bite

This is the poem I wrote when I met my Ex Kenneth whom I contracted HIV from. Becautiful to this day I still cherish my words.

April 20th 2005

Could a prayer be answered in the form of exactly the way you have dreamt it?

 He stands tall with his eyes covered cos he could, shaded by the whatever glasses he could find. His posture  as if he was at attention, relaxed enough to hold some peace. His movements were slow & effortless, his expressions were that of painted glass, but yet he stood out.

My mind started to relax as my body took control. I sneered at this creature and imagined him as my pray. My bitter tongue filled with venom as I took my first bite. 

And he stood still, untainted by my attack, the sun shone bright and I rested. My soul moved forward, aware now that he posed no threat we spoke.

Nearer & nearer his scent became my air, and his eyes began to glare out through this dark rims. Blue green & red, were that of his faith, his eyes blinked a message only the hunted would know. Not yet scared, but accepted my faith our lips pressed, closer and closer together. 

And like a vampiric bite, my veins opened up, drained but yet replenished but how could this be? 

My emptiness and loneliness  was eradicated and replaced with comfort and existence, existence of passion, so much so, that theirs not enough words to explain the inner peace, happiness that exploded from within. Each cell was taken over invaded by this unknown feeling, manipulated to reproduce this wonder it was beginning to grow inside me.

 Could it be? Was he really my dream? Is he me?